🦬 Ranking NFL's Most Dangerous Mascots

In today’s newsletter, I rank the NFL mascots in order of the way they’d jack you or each other up in a fight, plus we get a nugget of info from our friends at Dynasty League Football.

It’s late June and there’s a lull in NFL action, so I decided to take a break from fantasy football chatter and rank all the mascots in the order in which they’d mess you up if stumbled upon in the wild.

32-29. Packers, Giants, Jets, and Chargers

These teams don’t have an official mascot which is super lame. You can’t fight what doesn’t exist.

28. Cardinals - Big Red

These small birds are pretty and all, but present zero threat to anything other than insects.

27. Cowboys - Rowdy

Rowdy doesn’t carry a gun but he does have some muscles, so be prepared for a mild-ish struggle. Or perhaps a boot-kicking.

26. Raiders - Raider Rusher

I’m not sure this human-esque mascot invokes much fear, but he does have a head full of spikes which kept him out of last place.

25. Titans - T-Rac

Let’s just put aside the fact that they went with a raccoon over something titan-y, raccoons are kind of cute and a little bit of a nuisance but they don’t really present too much harm other than rabies. Throw some food at them and you’ve won.

24. Ravens - Poe

Ravens do protect their young and could attack if you get too close, but they only have their bills to use as armor as they weren’t blessed with teeth.

23. Seahawks - Blitz

Fun fact, seahawks don’t exist but Ospreys or Skuas are the closest match. These birds are highly aggressive and will attack anything that comes near their nest including humans. They have large talons that could mess you up in the blink of an eye.

22. Eagles - Swoop

These birds are powerful enough to kill a human but rarely attack unless provoked during mating season.

21. Falcons - Freddie Falcon

Like the two raptors above, falcons can jack you up when defending their territory or nesting area.

20. Patriots - Pat Patriot

Here’s another human who isn’t even remotely scary, but he‘s old school and comes from an era of fighters.

19. 49ers - Sourdough Sam

This guy comes from a very rough time when famine and disease were rampant, plus he carries a pickaxe.

18. Steelers - Steely McBeam

Here we have your lunch pail, salt-of-the-earth mascot, who will likely fight anyone who disagrees with his takes. Plus he can knock anyone out with those beams.

17. Vikings - Viktor

Viktor is equipped with horns and a staff with a football on the end. Don’t let that smile fool you, Vikings were tough and he seems like he’d put up a solid fight.

16. Buccaneers - Captain Fear

You rarely want to mess with pirates and this one has a big sword.

15. Browns - Chomps

Dogs are amazing and super sweet, but they can also be fiercely protective.

14. Saints - Gumbo

New Orleans also has a secondary mascot, “Sir Saint”, but he’s not as fun as a random dog which they also have for some reason. Here’s Gumbo with a G.O.A.T.

13. Dolphins - T.D

Sure, dolphins have sharp teeth, are super intelligent, and are fairly mean at times. However, we’re talking about a land fight so he’s lower in the rankings out of his element.

12. Rams - Rampage

While smaller in stature, rams are crazy fast and can do some serious damage with those horns.

11. Commanders - Major Tuddy

It took a bit of restraint to not have Major Tuddy in last place, but I gave them the benefit of the doubt that he’s of the wild variety. Wild boars can attack unprovoked causing fatal injuries, and can also be a risk to pets and other animals.

10. Chiefs - K.C. Wolf

Wolves mostly hunt in packs, but I still wouldn't want to face one in the wild. So K.C. lands among the Top 10 the deadliest mascots.

9. Colts - Blue

Horses are unpredictable and way too strong to mess with.

8. Broncos - Miles

See Blue above, but Miles is even more of a badass.

7. Jaguars - Jaxson De Ville

Jaguars can climb and hunt and have intense physical strength. Jaxon De Ville is below the Panther’s mascot due to the image of him wearing a Speedo that is forever cemented in my head.

6. Panthers - Sir Purr

Panthers and Jaguars are pretty much the same. Sir Purr is just a Jaguar with dominant alleles that cause melanism in the cat.

5. Lions - Roary

They are majestic and known to rule the jungle. While lions are sometimes portrayed as the most dangerous of animals, there are still four mascots I would want to fight less.

4. Bengals - Who Dey

Some of you may think lion and tiger should be reversed here but tigers are responsible for more human deaths, mostly due to their solitary and predatory nature. Tigers are also larger in both length and weight and according to some scientists, there’s a 90% chance that the tiger will win a fight between the two.

3. Bills - Billy Buffalo

For starters, Billy is really a Bison considering Buffaloes are located in Africa and Asia. Bison are the largest mammals in North America and can weigh up to 2,000 lbs and stand 6 ft tall. Freakishly, they run up to 35 mph and can spin around quickly, jump high fences, and are strong swimmers. And as a reminder to those who simply don’t heed the warnings, don’t approach these guys for selfies at our National Parks. 🤦🏽‍♀️

2. Texans - Toro

When looking into these last two animals, I didn’t expect to come across the origins of Wall Street’s Bull and Bear markets. Apparently, back in 19th-century California, they established a Gold Rush fight club of sorts between grizzly bears and bulls brought over by Spanish Conquistadors. Both animals won, but the bear did it more often.

1. Bears - Staley Da Bear

Bears are no joke, they will hurt, maim, or kill you and every other animal or human-esque mascot in the NFL. If you encounter one of these guys or gals in the wild, the protocol is to leave your pack on and PLAY DEAD. They say to lay flat on your stomach with your hands clasped behind your neck and spread your legs to make it harder for the bear to turn you over. Then remain still until the bear leaves the area. Best of luck with that.

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Courtesy of Ryan McDowell from DLF: We are now right in the middle of what many refer to as the dead period for fantasy football. Surprisingly, this even includes dynasty leagues, which ideally should be active year-round. Because of that, this week I focused on ways to improve your dynasty league. Being a dynasty commissioner can be a taxing job. One of the key roles, especially this time of year, is to improve the league. 

In my latest article, Three Rules to Add to Your Dynasty League, I discussed adding these new ideas.

1. Second Chance

2. Toilet Bowl with a Bonus Rookie Pick

3. Soft Trade Deadline

Here’s more about the Second Chance Rule…

Over ten years ago, I noticed a problem in my dynasty leagues. Each year, multiple managers were leaving the league, often citing what seemed to be a team that couldn’t be saved. Not only was this costing our league managers, but it was often difficult to find replacements to take over these subpar teams. At that time, I was holding annual dispersal drafts for new managers to divide the assets of those orphaned teams fairly.

Eventually, I was asked about the idea of an established manager joining that dispersal draft, giving up the assets on their own team as part of the player pool. I loved the idea. In fact, I created a test league called Second Chance, to see if it would work. It was a hit. Eventually, I added a Second Chance rule to all of my dynasty leagues.

If you want more information about how the Second Chance rule is implemented and managed, check out the original article, discussing the Second Chance Dynasty League.

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